How to help your child, go through divorces
The main task of the divorcing parents is to minimize the suffering of all parties involved.
Children of different ages differently understand what is happening in the relationship between parents and their explain yourself divorce.
A particularly strong influence it has on children under the age of 6 years, for normal psychological development which are primarily necessary stability. During this period the child develops understanding of the world and relations between people.
Children aged 3.5 – 6 years after the divorce, parents often have a strong self-abasement. Being unable to understand the true state of Affairs, they take the blame for their parents ‘ divorce.
Children aged 7 – 8 years, often experiencing feelings of anger and resentment, especially his father.
10 – 11 years, children feel abandoned, hurt, angry with their parents and are ashamed of their family problems at school.
Aged 13-18 years, experiencing a sense of loss, resentment, adolescents still be able to adequately imagine the causes and consequences of divorce, the quality of their relationships with each parent.
You need to be prepared for the different emotional reactions of their child, as well as to possible violations of his physical condition, up to diseases. Children may experience a whole range of unpleasant and sometimes contradictory feelings:
anger at parents who deprive him so he needed stability.
the anger of one parent, often the mother, who was unable to preserve the family, or her father, an alcoholic or a drug addict, behaving aggressively towards the child;
the joy of resolving the difficult situation that the child watched recently and was reluctant party;
sorrow over the breakup of the family, regret and shame that parents are unable to create an emotionally supportive environment (unlike the families of his peers with whom the child inevitably compares his).
Crying and “hysterical”. speaking about the severity of the condition of the child, but not necessarily on the deep gravity of his condition. The more a person is able to violent expression of their feelings, the more favorable the prognosis.
Fear about the future life. due to instability and uncertainty. Not always the child will be able to call it the cause, often the fear of losing complete family disguised as other fears.
That exacerbates the experience of the child
prior to the divorce of the parents quarrel and the inevitable deterioration of the treatment of a child in this situation;
the perception of care of the family as a parent abandoning the child;
the lack of communication with the remaining parent, as he is often forced to go to work full time;
deteriorating the child’s relationship with his teammates, who usually ask the child indiscreet questions, teasing, etc.
How to behave with the child?
You have to gather strength. No matter how You were upset, what feelings would You experience, the child should not feel emotionally abandoned, for thus he loses both parents at once! If You feel unable to cope with their emotions and can’t give my child enough attention that Your child is not only affected by the divorce of his parents, but also from Your indifference that he “was not one to stay”, immediately contact a therapist. The consequences of experiencing such abandonment in the future may exceed the severity experienced parental divorce. You have to explain to the child. On the available language you have to inform it of forthcoming changes in his life, it’s important to consider the child’s age and possible experiences. Better if the conversation will involve both parents. Before talking you should mentally and emotionally be prepared. Write yourself on paper keyword phrases. By the time of the message to the child about the changes you must be in a state of maximum possible emotional stability so as not to “hang” on your child’s negative feelings. Here you can get help from a psychologist, who will work with you to analyze your fears and anxiety and will help to secure the artificial environment of his office to rehearse the upcoming conversation. In any case it should not appear to justify in the eyes of a child, asking for help or advice. As a parent, you have to be willing to provide him with protection and support in case the child is not able to cope with their feelings. Don’t make the child’s personal therapist. The woman who lost the emotional support from the spouse is tempted to share with a child of their own experiences that the child is not able to understand because of their age or because of absorption own experiences. (The exception is already adult children.) This does not mean that the mother may not share with the child your feelings, but she has no right to pass it on to the child and ask his advice. It is possible and desirable in a calm state, to discuss how they will proceed their future life, and the current feelings of the child to the parents. Avoid gluing of labels and insults against the other parent. It is important to assure the child that he will always be able to meet him with mutual desire, except in those cases where such communication is the child in harm. Even in understanding the benefit of communication of the child with his father, something You can resist this. Analyze your feelings on your own or with the help of a psychologist: where you act in the best interests of the child, preventing him from meetings, and where guided by revenge, depriving the child of necessary communication. You can use something like a conversation: “You are not to blame for what happened. My dad decided to live separately, but he’ll be your dad forever, he will come to us, even if not coming to live with us. And your mom, I’ll always be with you.” Kids need to preserve and strengthen the sense of security, he must believe that things will be OK no matter what daddy will come rarely, he still got. The care of a parent from the family for the child’s death. And this grief. And any sorrow we have to peregrinate, to adapt to new conditions and to live on, and Your task is to help him. Each and after divorce needs to be himself, should not take unnatural niche for themselves in the lives of children.