How to raise children without yelling and manhandling
I want to talk on the subject and I am afraid that will understand me wrong. It may well be that I will be humiliated and called a bad mother. So be it. I will still try.
I have a daughter. She is now three years. To say that I very much wanted that she was born – to say nothing. When she was born, I was in seventh heaven. How cool that there is this little man, so amazing, so similar to my husband and me and at the same time already so independent.
About autonomy and its variations and I want to talk. I always thought that of all people, and I’ll be the perfect mother. I’ve always been quite restrained in emotions, positive, loved children. But after a year the child from the stage of “eat-sleep-poop” passed the stage of “crawl-walk-talk” and the first time I felt that the ground is slipping from under his feet.
Describe a bit of our everyday life, although it may not be so important.
Up to 2.5 years I stayed home with my daughter, then the daughter went to the garden, I now work from 9 to 16, 17 taking her daughter out of the garden, well, something else to do. My husband works two jobs, but around the house I also, as much as possible helps. Complaints, as happens in some families, it is not.
And now about the ground that goes from under my feet. What does it mean? That the older a child becomes, so I find it difficult to communicate with him, the harder it is to convince him of the correctness of my opinions, the more I lose it. And I always remember that I’m a friend of your child, but at some point I may as a substitute and I yell and sometimes (though very rarely!) even comes to blows. After 5 minutes I feel so ashamed. And I tell myself that never, never it will never happen again. But repeated.
Moreover, such situations arise literally out of the blue.
Well, for example, we gather in the morning in the garden. Daughter suddenly said: “I want the blue ball”. Of course, to find a minute this ball in her baskets and boxes for toys does not work. Daughter starts to whine. I told her in a calm voice explain that if she was stacking toys like I showed her and asked (in separate sections – in this box with the balls in this doll, this is still something), we would the ball have found, we have to look for it, maybe an hour, but the hour we don’t and we got to go to kindergarten right now. Naturally, the daughter starts to cry, to scream, to demand the balls in categorical terms.
The ball is not. I’m still calm, but I feel that I will soon leave. I offer her in return for some other toy. Toy otslaivaetsya screaming. All, here you have to take daughter by the hand and go. On the stairs she cries and refuses to go. Depends on the street. Saves us only that suddenly the ball is in her jacket pocket. What would have happened if he was not there? In this particular case I would have just brought her to the garden and with a heavy heart left in tears. But it is only in this particular case, because the kindergarten is near. And if we had a long way to, say, the metro to the circus or to visit, or the doctor was yelling I would have. And there is screaming, there is straightening, and anger, and sometimes even attacks on the Pope.
I feel very ashamed when I do it, but these reactions are so natural that I don’t know how to deal with them.
They seem stronger than me, my theoretical argument that the child should always be treated with understanding and explain everything to him. That may be so, but at this moment in my head only one thought: “Well, how can he explain that he doesn’t understand, he provokes, etc.”. The answer to this I can not find. Often blamed on fatigue life in the big city, temperament daughter, etc., it Is true, I have another hypothesis. I remember the words that I say in fits of such anger “I said”, “Now stop”, “You’re not going to do that”, “You can’t do that” and realize that in my childhood I heard exactly the same thing. And how I hated those words! Now, it turns out, and repeat them as though well lesson learned.
At this point in the conclusion, apparently, should be some morality or a request. In morality, I’m not very strong, so will refrain. At the request of an anonymous Internet audience, I also do not really believe. But suddenly, suddenly there will be another one of the moms (and maybe dads) who also noticed this behavior, but have learned to cope with it. How did you do it?