My son has trouble connecting
Hello, dear Alain! Wanted Your advice on a very important issue for us, as she did not know what to do. The bottom line is this. I have a son. He’s 13 years old. With his father we’re divorced, although living in the same apartment. From early childhood, the son communicated mostly with women. The eldest daughter I was dancing, and the son for all classes and rehearsals I took with him, as to leave him was not with anyone. There were no boys his age, and he talked mostly with my friends sister. He never liked to play boys ‘ games, no cars, no guns, etc. he was more drawn to the dancing. He loved to dance and come up with new dances. He loves to read. The school has good. Now, learning the profession of a dancer, moved to another school. Here is where the problems started. At recess he’s not mad, not bullies, but sitting reads. During professional lessons, too, is relaxed. And the boys began to call “blue faggot”. He’s very sensitive about it. I’m trying to explain to him that all stupid people should not pay attention. But it’s only easy to say. To go to deal with offenders, I can not, will only get worse, and he doesn’t want that. I humanly feel sorry for him, and how to help him, I don’t know. The most annoying is that he always was friends with more girls.
I would be very grateful for help. Sincerely, Nelia.
Answer: psychologist Helen Moskvin
Dear Nelia! The situation is certainly very unpleasant, you know that You are very worried for his son, but needs to inform You that excessive emotions about this can negatively affect the condition of Your boy. The situation is fixable, and You, in your behavior, your words should make it clear to the child that it is under control, that it is solvable. To help your boy You can only one way (about the psychological support I’m not even saying it is mandatory in this case) – you need to teach my son to defend himself in different ways . This is not an easy task, and for many boys it is difficult, especially difficult for a relaxing, quiet, friendly by nature children as well as for those whom brings the woman. So for Your, Nelia, children learn to protect themselves will not be easy, but because it is important to understand that one day is not correct, it need to work every day. And quickly if results don’t feel that to give up is not worth it. For starters, it is important to understand the complexity of such learning in one way or another have all boys. Why do they arise? The fact that the development of so-called defensive reflex, is characteristic of the whole male sex, is one of the innate programs of human behavior. That’s why attack first men better, but to defend themselves is somehow inconvenient, unfamiliar, and so Therefore have a boy to teach.
WHAT EXACTLY CAN YOU DO?
In the first place . strange as it sounds, you first need to teach my son to call names – maliciously and accurately, not too humiliating . but at the same time, demonstrating their superiority in the situation . Attach sister or a sassy girl the same age as the son with whom they have good relations to this lesson, let her “train” the boy. The fact that the girls to be catty and find the exact epithets usually obtained easily, they, as a rule, his words do not climb, but the boys with these problems often. In order to “exercise” gave the desired effect, the model corresponding to an unpleasant situation with my son, play them at home . You (sister) – “bully”, he is the victim. Put him with some of his answers, follow the intonation and facial expressions. In such situations, there are useful trainings in the mirror: the child chooses a phrase that is willing to say in the case of attacks, says of her, watching his reflection in the mirror. The mirror allows you to see yourself from the outside, and hence to correct facial expressions. To achieve the desired facial expressions, useful training to pronounce phrases like: “fuck you!” In addition, it is helpful to teach with several child response phrases for different exciting situations) that he will always be ready to speak if required. To this end, it is recommended that the appropriate notebook: a stressful situation – a set of replicas. As you know, “the best impromptu is one that is carefully prepared” – even now this principle will be one of the vital principles of Your little boy.
Secondly . invite the son to portray the offenders in the genre of cartoons, and then let Popasnaya in inventing nicknames. Of course, not necessarily all the “homework” to play when meeting with offenders, but the remembrance of what he sees his attackers in a ridiculous light, will give the boy confidence when you meet them.
Thirdly . be calm, love to read, etc. is fine, but to be able to defend themselves physically, too, should be able to explain this to your child . Don’t have to use self defense techniques right and left, but they need at least to know: children are amazingly accurately recognize who are able to use them, so it’s up to check, as a rule, does not reach, but the feeling of power that knowledge gives . And strength in childhood, especially in the group of boys that are necessary: they’re too close to our “brothers” -primates, and the patterns of the hierarchy of the pack as in the animal world, teenagers are . To pacifism and nonresistance come not through weakness, but through force. Well, this is one You can afford, you need to be invited to help a man (see materials advice “My son is rude”. they can be useful) or to give the child at least temporarily in a suitable (power) the sports section.
Fourthly . You need to help your boy to find friends in the class and try them by all means to hold. Invite the children with whom he is in class talking, find ways to demonstrate to them the achievements of the son . try to show them every respect, recognition, understanding.
Fifthly . develop her son’s independence. First of all, it concerns other people’s evaluations. Teach him to calmly accept someone else’s criticism. Explain to your child one simple rule that will help him in later adult life: “ALL love can NOT BE” . surely there will be someone who will react negatively to your address. So what? Maybe he’s saying out of spite or envy. And then WHAT ONE LIKES and to WIN THEIR APPROVAL, ANNOYING OTHERS – this is the reality, we can’t change. Here consultation material that has meaning to see: “my child Has problems with communication”. “How to bring up children and do not jump from one extreme to another?”
In conclusion I want to say that dance classes are fine, and they should certainly continue, especially if they are within the sphere of interest of the boy. But it is important to understand that in addition to the ability to dance a man needs for himself and be able to stand up and the girl to be able to protect. And if aggressive by nature doesn’t exist, we need to artificially turn out (at least to some extent), it’s essential. You think Nelia, the son in the present time period is not enough communication with the man, because a woman cannot objectively give a growing boy everything that he will need in adult life. Is there someone who could become Your child’s “mentor”, “conductor” in adult male world? Think about it seriously.