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How to deal with exes after divorce


You are divorced and are not going to restore your marriage and love relationship, but have common children, business or other necessity for meetings. How to make this communication as comfortable as possible? Let’s try together with the columnist of  to understand the complexities of passamani life.

Scandal and hatred

People rarely go peacefully. Normally it is breaking dishes, mutual accusations, shouts of hatred and tug on their side children and friends. And most importantly the desire divorced – never to meet a man who was passing by the spouse.

The first time after a divorce do not force yourself and do not meet with the former husband or wife. Need to recover mentally and consciously prepare for the next step (unless of course you generally intend to do). As a rule, after the divorce, most couples stop communicating, because I do not see in it sense. But if you have a child together, communicating somehow have to continue.

How to begin a relationship after divorce?

What experts advise: to talk. This turns out to be the most difficult, because hurt each other often gives a sense of community and all again boils down to abuse. But in our age of space velocities comes to the aid of virtual communication. Yes, the correspondence in the online messengers and exchange e-mails. The fact that it is difficult to say in person, keeping emotions, it is much easier to write, edit, and already only after that to send. Even if there is an uncontrollable desire to communicate something unpleasant, on paper or on the screen, this information will look more palatable. And only after some time of this type of communication meet them in person – when you feel ready.

As happens in reality

Pauline, 30 years: In any case, we must strive for peace. If there is a divorce, blame both. The woman pulls the blanket and blames everything on her husband. But after marriage, some love go? Until then, while we look at man as an Appendix to the family, nothing good will happen. The family is work and everyday educating both yourself and husband. After the divorce, we should strive to remain in a good relationship, as your children can repeat a negative family experience.

Alina, 29 years: How to develop a good relationship with her ex-husband, who threw us with a young daughter from a shared apartment and alimony tiny, because he’s “black” salaries? When riotous and well-fed life. What could be the General attitude. It’s j u s t e o a place for me!

Cut yourself off from a failed marriage

What experts advise: your new relationship with a former spouse should be neutral to business. You don’t be friends with him going, and to maintain minimum peaceful relations, that will be comfortable for your child. So you have to isolate themselves from the good and bad that happened between you two, otherwise not be able to build a comfortable for all schemes of intersection in space. In fact, despite the divorce, the child should not be deprived not only of his father (it just so happened that in our country children are more likely to stay with mom), but my grandparents from his side.

Invited to imagine that your ex-spouse is your business partner who has let you down, but you have to keep working on. This abstraction from past hurts and putting on an emotionless way will simplify everyone’s lives.

As happens in reality

Olga, 35 years: just yesterday tried to talk, to figure out why our father does not make money for six months. And he, you know, money in a business is investing to children allegedly then something has to give. And the comment: “So the children need help now and the food, and every day, not on weekends,” he said to me: “Away from me and give it myself, or I children will be taken”.

Do not manipulate a child

What experts advise: in no event it is impossible to set the child against the former spouse and his relatives, even if you very much want to make it an instrument of revenge. It’s selfish and fraught with psychological trauma. The children very much experiencing the divorce of parents, often feel guilty in it, their world is collapsing and so, and you still add fuel to the fire. Do not carry your attitude to the former spouse on children. No “Your dad left us” or “Your mom is stupid” – he continues to love you just the same as before the divorce, and you have no right to shake his confidence in that you wouldn’t love him less.

The best option is to get together and clearly explain: Yes, we broke up because we had problems, and never will live together, but you are the dearest person and our attitude towards you has not changed.

As happens in reality

Alex, 30 years: I’m divorcing my wife, we have a son. What we get divorced, does not mean that I don’t want to see the child. I’m madly in love, but unfortunately, the family fell apart. And if I left the house – it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the child.

I want to see my son once a week and want to take it at least one day to take to my grandfather, or exhibition, or just fishing. Son 7 years old. And I hope that when he grows up, he will understand me.

Relatives of the former spouse

What experts advise: it is often grandparents stronger survive the divorce of their children than themselves, and try as carefully as possible to participate in these “battles”, protecting the child. And in any case cannot be deprived of their communication with their grandson or granddaughter. You just need to agree that any conversations about the divorce behind your back should not happen, because they injure the child.

As happens in reality

Olga, 32 years: I absolutely do not hinder the child’s relationship with his legal grandparents. Honestly, I don’t quite understand the opposite scenario, well, except if it is unsafe for the baby for some reason. Surely there are situations in life when a child does not need the people who love him and can learn from?

Nastya, 28 years: My current husband is convinced that communication with former relatives leads to a split personality in the child. I agree with him. The son of confusing motivations because the Pope, the former and current are completely different in all respects people. But the law obliges to allow such communication…

If the former spouse has found a new pair

What experts advise: treat this as a normal course of events, because, divorce, you should understand that your ex-half now becomes free, and then leaves you for another man. It is important not to dwell on this event, because getting stuck in it, you miss your own life and the opportunity to find his new love.

As happens in reality

Lisa, 34 years: My ex-husband is a wonderful man, and relationships after divorce I had normal. Tale? Nothing of the sort. First, of course, was strained, what is there to hide. But then we just became very good friends, and with his new wife too. She, incidentally, introduced me to my present husband. It is a reality that you can do, unless, of course, make an effort.

Share your good and bad experiences with ex-husbands and wives after divorce. The question of how effective the advice of professional psychologists, remains open – each situation is very individual.