Know your child, Former parents don’t: how to help your child survive divorce?
Today divorce is not spoken with sadly-cloying tone, unfortunately have become accustomed. If earlier it was believed that the main thing is to keep whatever was family, so the children had a father, but now society increasingly inclined to believe that if a divorce is necessary for parents, it is essential for children. But even if your decision to leave is the only correct way out of the stalled marital relationships, painful experiences not to avoid any of the participants. And are the most vulnerable and dependent family members – our children. So, they are most in need of assistance. Psychologists have identified a few General steps which are emotions and feelings of the child during this difficult period.
The child does not believe in what is happening, not willing to accept the divorce. He may even tell friends that dad just left on a business trip. He’s scared, depressed and only wants things to be as before.
After a time, the child understands that, as before, will be gone and embittered: rude, becomes irritable and angry. And this anger can be directed at the parent who left the family, and with whom the child was left. Then there is a desire to fix it. The child calms down a bit, but begins to blame what is happening in yourself, believing that if he will behave, parents will reconcile. He can do things that are quite unusual for him, wanting to check how he is dear to the parents.
Will be quite a while before leaving anger, fear, insecurity and guilt. Finally convinced that the return to the past is impossible, the child may go into depression. At this stage he is humble and stop fighting with him and her parents.
Acute pain goes away, the child adapts to a new life and settling down.
Our task is not to leave the children alone with their experiences at each of these painful stages, not to allow our out – even if the right decision has caused irreparable harm to its character or has determined its future.
Deciding to break up, you solve their own problems. But the main task of parents is to arrange the divorce so that the turmoil of adults affects children with minimal losses. It’s not easy, but with the mutual desire of parents is quite possible:
– If the decision is final, each parent needs to talk with the child. Given his age, to explain the causes of the gap. To assure the kid in the abiding love and explain how you will maintain further relations.
– Don’t be afraid to discuss with your child about your feelings for the departed parent, regardless of whether they are positive or negative. But in any case, it didn’t bother him to share them. Emphasize that the relationship of father and mother to him has not changed and will never change.
– If possible, do not change dramatically in residence, school for most children in such a moment of emotional attachment is very important.
– If the child is the only person with whom you can share your feelings and experiences, try not to pass on the burden of their grievances and concerns, do not expect sympathy and support. The child and so you may experience false guilt is not worth it to aggravate.
– Do not allow the child to feel forgotten and unnecessary. But we should not over-take care and feel sorry for him, creating a painful relationship between you.
Of course, divorce is stressful and shock, as well you tried to organize it. But, like any situation in life, this too, can and should make educated conclusions. Most likely, in your life and the life of a child this is not the last test. This means that you can teach yourself and him kind of lesson out of the crisis:
– For a start, try to restore the relationship and the ability to negotiate with a former spouse if not all, then at least on key issues.
– If possible, install the normal interaction with a new companion of your former spouse. For the child it will be an example of constructive solutions to life’s problems.
– Make it a rule never to speak evil and to condemn the actions of the former spouse or his parents when a child. Because for him you are one, and he’s part of that whole.
– The struggle of grandparents for grandchildren – it’s a different story. Remember that the parents of the former spouse – such as grandparents, as before, and they needed each other.
– Fill your life and the life of a child by new studies, communication, travel, Hobbies. It’s not so easy to do, but it is necessary not only to you but also the baby.
After some time after the divorce the emotional state of the child gradually comes to normal. The main thing is your constant support and confidence in the fact that he is loved no matter what.
And may you never need these tips!